NEED AN OPINION!!!

Okay, so I've started a new novel (I hope?) called Haze of Blue... I've gotten to a page and a bit... So, please... PLEASE comment... I need help with this. D:

A new age. A new dawn. A time in which no future is certain. This is...
Haze of Blue

I sat on the rooftop of what used to be a huge council building... Or town hall, I wasn’t sure. The history of What Came Before was never all that clear. Almost every human died that day. Only us, The Japanese, a few Amazonians and some Australians survived. Of course, now in the age of Peace, there shouldn’t have been anything to fight about... But, of course, there’s still discrimination and hate among the survivors. It’s a part of human nature, they say, this hate.
But it isn’t what you think. The hate stems to those who developed certain... abilities from the fallout of the bombs. People like me. I tried not to think about it though, for it just made the world seem that much more post-apocalpse. Everything was strange, and utterly different from when I was a little girl. That little innocent girl who played at the park on the swings and slide sets, looking forward to each new day with a smile on my face...
I looked up, seeing the hazy blue sky, the sun almost completely blocked out by the dust clouds. The sight was something I deemed pretty depressing, for it was one of the physical reminders, one of many, that pointed out that this world was something new, something alien when compared to the past. It was extremely cold, and I was bundled up well. I didn't mind the bite of the wind on my cheeks, and the fog of my breath seemed to disappear almost instantly. I had been walking all day, trying to find the colony of survivors that were supposedly here awhile ago. Apparently they needed antibiotics for one of their members who was sick. I checked the straps of my make-shift knapsack again. They were fraying, but I wouldn’t trade this sack for anything. It was one of the only things that made it through the bombing with me.
I remembered back to that day, thinking of how close to death I had been...

~

After the bombs at gone off, and everything was quiet in Kyoto, Japan, we Japanese watched in horror as we saw the dust clouds rise up, the radiation turning them a dark blue colour. In our homes, we knew that we’d have to go outside sometime... But the other times we had been bombed was still fresh in our minds. I didn't rememder them, of course, I was much too small, but the elders of society sure did, as if it were yesterday. It wasn’t the explosions that killed the most people, but the fallout that came after. I had been caught up in one of the explosions though, and I lost the use of my pinkie and ring fingers on my left hand as a shard of flying metal pierced it. I still remembered that searing agony, and the shock that came after. We went to the hospital to get it seen to, my parents and I. In the end, after a very long wait, we went home with my hand bandaged to be twice its normal size.
My family and I stayed inside for a week after that, at least, before our supplies ran out. I remember how they tried to cheer me up, for I was so frightened the entire time. They made it into a game, something that I took to almost instantly. Otousan (Father) went outside, and got as many supplies as he could before he came back, coughing and wheezing. We didn’t think it was anything more than that. Just a cough. We were so wrong...
A few days later, Otousan began to run a temperature, but he swore he felt fine. I’ll never forget the day when I saw what the radiation did to my family. Apparently, sometime in the past, my ancestors were actually thought of as shamans and shape shifters. I thought it would be all play, just another game, for I was no longer scared.
First came the visions. Otousan would see the death and destruction that had taken place all over the rest of the world, but he would refuse to share until later. I never thought more of it then he was sick when he got all pale, and murmured things to himself. I was little, and didn't really know better. Then, he actually was forced to shift... At first it was a huge timber wolf. Okaasan (Mother) almost had a heart attack when the wolf proved he was Otousan. I thought it was funny, and I would ride around on Otousan's back as he loped around the house, laughing my little head off with glee. I didn't understand what really happened, but this was turning out to be a terrific game!
Soon after that though, Okaasan and I found out that the same thing was happening to me. I was happy, and I tried hard to change like Otousan. It didn't go so well, and I'd just end up sulking because I couldn't figure it out, no matter how much Otousan tried to help. It was jouvenile, I realize that now, but something I always wanted to be was an angel, with those feathery wings that would lift you into the air, and you could fly away, nothing between you and the world but the wind under your wings... That dream was granted for me once the fallout had penetrated the house. I simply wished it, and the next thing I knew, a pair of wings had sprouted from my back, perfectly ultra-white feathered wings. I was so happy that I whooped with joy, and Okaasan and Otousan laughed as I tried desperately to fly on those tiny little feathered nubs.
That’s how I got the nickname Angel. The name really stuck as I fell ill, deathly so. That was the bleakest time for me. I hated being cooped up indoors! It was the fallout that caused it. After my wings had grown, I had wanted to practice with them, so that maybe one day I’d be able to soar in the blue hazed sky, as free as the birds. The sickness prevented me from doing so for a long while, which was so frustrating that I would sometimes throw fits, wanting to go outside so bad. The birds didn’t seem to be too effected by the fallout, so I couldn't figure out why it made me so sick. Their feathers had just gotten more vibrant, and the birds themselves grew in size, doubling from their natural.

~

Snapping back to the present, I remembered that the sun would be going down soon. I narrowed my eyes at the faintly glowing dot that was the sun, though it was getting more and more visible as the sky darkened. Distantly, I heard the rumble of thunder, which I echoed with a growl deep in my throat. It was an animal sound, one that I had imprinted in my body a long time ago. I didn't like night in the city. There was far too much danger in the places where nature had reclaimed her long lost prize. My eyes, as they changed with the fading light, darkened in colour, the pupils expanding to take in more light, scanned the area. “Is anyone out there??!” I called in my loudest voice. It rang out all over the large city. The giant birds, used to be pigeons, rose up, cooing as they flew off. I liked the birds... Their wings were so much like my own; I just wished that the birds were a tad more intelligent.
I didn’t get an answer, and I turned my back on the city, the sun, and the survivors... If they were even there. I had been in the city for a week, searching them out, and tonight was the night that I could finally go home. And go home I would. I missed those who were part of my colony, mostly misfits who, like me, had lost something, but gained abilities in return from the fallout. Just thinking of having a homecooked meal made my empty stomach tremble with delight. I spread my feet as I crouched, eager to be off, but nervous of the creaking and groaning sounds that I heard beneath me as I shifted my weight, feet nudging aside pieces of rumble. Still with an uneasy feeling about the entire place, I spread my wings, and turned on my ‘full night vision’, yet another animal feature, and one that I found very useful. My eyes grew to be that of felines, and the starlight was enough to guide me in the growing darkness.
With a strong down stroke of my wings as I leaped off the edge of the building, I was airbourne. Flying was still my favourite aspect of any of my abilities, and I truely felt like an angel as I soared toward home, the sun fading behind me.

Hm, you could at least add a tad bit of details to the story, I mean like if you use a bit more colorful vocabulary "I spread my wings, and turned on my 'full night vision'" Ok for this you could add a lot of detail, like

Looking over the edge of the top of the tower that laid half stable, I began to think of the survivors, the city, and the sun. Suddenly standing up frantic, shaking my head vigorously in various directions. My eye's blank of no expression. My mind was closed, and fixed upon leaving this place. "Let them suffer..." Brushing my head towards the side, the wings on my back twitched from being disturbed from the resting place they laid for so long. I thrust my head forward, my neck made a sudden cracking noise, as the eyes on my pale cold face instantly turned a foggy gray (like clouds roaming in my head). "My time has come...to leave this wrenched place for good..." Jerking my body into a instant leap, my long wings spanned within the air, gliding me through the air, peering below, I noticed the city in ruins.

:3 just add more of a touch, more vocabulary that's a bit colorful...and since your writing in first person, it means you need to show your emotions, your thoughts, your feelings, and actions also. Sorry but this looks as if your writing third person limited....

Lol, yeah.. It was one or so in the morning when I wrote it.... I so need to edit. Thanks for the advice! *starts editing right away*

Hitomi wrote:

some Australians survived.

Would one of them Aussies be London?

*cheers*


Well I ditto Felicity, yet, I think the best things come from late night. At least it does for me. Sometimes I get an idea at 4 in the morning in bed and I flick the lamp on and get to work right then it there while it's fresh. xD

Good luck on it though. It would be nice to see more.

Lol, sure. xD
And I kind of based Hitomi off Angel... Kinda sorta. Okay, not really xD